Such Pretty Faces

A Space to Relate and Create

Who else is their own worst enemy? 

Someone in a far off distant land (or even next door, which may explain why after living here for 6 months our neighbors have still not introduced themselves to us) may hate me, but they have no power over me like my mind does. I venture to say we are all our own worst enemies for this very reason. Now, if you find yourself eagerly anticipating my solution to this problem, then consider this the first time I will be letting you down. I have no answers, only questions.

(I’ll wait why you wail about how unfair it is that #katiecan can’t provide a solution)

Welcome back- I presume you want to know more about my self-sabatoge? Well, as you have guessed by now, I am frequently an overachiever. Therefore and thusly (a phrase I adore and yet can rarely use in everyday conversation), I can successfully self-sabotage in a myriad of areas within my life. Health, career, financial etc.  I have accepted by now that I fall into this pattern every now and again, but the “why” continues to evade me.

Raise your hand if you’re with me.

My ego mind wants to blame it on the “XYZ” reason of the moment, but that explanation goes to sh*t when I am consciously aware in the moment when I begin and continue on my SS path. My rational mind believes it is self-serving in some way which is why I fall back into it with regularity. I believe this to be true but my overly analytical mind can simply not figure out how it serves me. My curiosity as to why I get on and off this terrible ride has now led me to:

  1. blogging about it to strangers
  2. wondering if I am so ashamed about some things that I disconnect from the shame entirely to avoid feeling it
  3. evaluating if I SS because it is the only thing that is 100% within my control at all times.

As this has been a life long struggle, I have begun to think that acceptance of the fact that I do sabotage myself at various intervals (and may continue to do so) may be the key to at least diminishing the shame around it. It ic clearly something I have chosen, and continue to chose. The why may evade me this entire lifetime. Maybe in my next life I will understand.

But if any of you know why I do this, feel free to let me know! TIA (it means “thanks in advance” Mom)

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